a + c palmer

The anticipation for your arrival is consuming me. It is difficult to focus on myself, on your mom, on home, or on my work. I can engage for a while, but then your little black and white, wrinkled nose from the ultrasound picture creeps back into my mind. I’m just so excited to meet you. I think I say this about 20 times a day to your mom and you, if you can hear me

We are getting ready for you by prepping the house and car to bring you home. We have all the “stuff” we are supposed to have for you, but I still doubt it’s enough. Do we have enough clothes? Enough diapers? Enough money in the bank? Is there ever “enough”? I think that is just anxiety speaking. We have more resources than we know what to do with. People all around the world do this with much less.

Throughout the day, I keep wondering: what are you thinking? Do you know who I am? Are you afraid to come into this world? Have you been here before? I ask myself these questions over and over, but I won’t ever get a satisfying answer. At least not until I can ask you for myself. Even then, you may not be able to convey your thoughts fully. Like I struggle to translate thoughts into these written words.

We’ve spent the last nine months together. Well, in each other’s presence. We haven’t exchanged a single touch, word, or look, but I love you so much. You seem to enjoy my voice and my presence. Your mom says you calm down when I enter the room. We play music for you, the deep bass and drum beat like I enjoy. It seems like you’re about to dance right out into the world. You’re right there, but yet so far away.

You are “due” on Thursday. I want you to come earlier, to meet you sooner and to help wash away the anxiety of anticipation. At the same time, I want you to come when you want to. But if you came on the weekend, I’d appreciate that too. I have a big presentation for work that day, so I selfishly hope you’ll stay warm with mom for a little bit longer.

How can I have all these conflicting wishes? I’m human, just like you. If you don’t know this already, we are complicated creatures. Sometimes, we can’t really express why we feel or do things. I’m sure I’ll contradict myself plenty in our time together on this earth. That said, I want to set the record straight from the beginning: I love you, and I always will.

|m